Where To Start...Well I Guess the Begining Right?

Hi there friends and family!
Y'all know I love to blog, I love to write I mean if I could get paid for blogging and writing I think that would be one of my choice jobs! So this is another blog separate from my other blog simply because this one is going to be about my recent choices of opting for gastric bypass surgery. I find it helpful to put all my thoughts and feelings into words it helps me and what the hay if it helps someone else to then good! So I have always and forever been a big girl or fat or overweight or obese whichever term you prefer to use, I don't ever recall just being a normal size! My younger years were miserable being picked on and persecuted because your the fat kid is never fun! So I have spent my whole adult life dieting, losing weight, gaining weight, losing a lot and gaining a lot more back it's a terrible cycle of food dependency. I wish I could say I only eat when I'm stressed, or sad but the truth is I have always ate just because! Now I will say as I got older I did eat more because I was depressed or unhappy I noticed it that it seemed to get worse when I'd fail at something. For instance I have tried diet after diet's lifestyle change after lifestyle change and I'd hit a brick wall that no matter what I'd do I couldn't get over it or around it adjusted calories (I was a calorie counting natzi let me tell you I was a label reader too I'd take hours at the store to make sure I made the best choices) I also worked out I'd change up routines, increase intensity and nothing would happen. While in England I did see an Endocrinologist who said I did have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) He told me back then I'd never lose the weight I needed to on my own but me being me refused to give up. Though out this phase of life when I was hardcore dedicated to my weightloss I read, researched any and everything I could that would help me lose weight, I did 5k's (walked them but I did them), I surrounded myself with other people working hard to lose weight made some awesome life long friends that way too by the way! I was so desperate to lose weight I even auditioned for The Biggest Loser I put myself out there and those who know me I don't put myself out there that often but I did it I made my way to Columbia and I auditioned I even got a call back which made me over the moon with happiness and excitement but it was short lived because that season it was about families and I didn't have a family member that could go with me. I still fought on and on but no matter what I did my weight wouldn't budge so I said you know what forget this pass me some fried chicken cause it just wasn't worth all the work I was putting out to get no results. Back then when I started working on weightloss my highest weight was 300 pounds and I had gotten down to about 245-240 pounds and that was it (oh yes I did post my weight lol you saw that right but I'm being honest and well my weight is just numbers that change from time to time) so I had become resigned to the fact that I have always been fat so I will always be fat Lori, the one not good enough for many, even family members you haven't lived till you have been rejected by a close family member that hurts, hurts worse than strangers looking at you like your a science experiment gone wrong, worse than your classmates making fun of you as you cross the football field at lunch time (that sound of people going boom boom boom like you were shaking the ground as you walked yeah awesome), worse than other fat kids picking on you. That's a special kind of hurt of of which I am proud to say I have overcome with God's help I have found healing and forgiveness, no, no one ever came to me and said you know Lori I was such a horrible person to you when we were kids and I'm sorry no and they probably never will and I don't need them to, some may even see this blog and make fun of what I'm saying here and that's alright we all answer for the good and the bad we do in our lives and if they can live with it so can I! I'll openly admit that I get extremely nervous even to this day talking in front of a lot of people I feel like I'm being judged by my appearance and not my heart and not for the person I am  inside and in God. I find the safety of my computer awesome! I can say and do what I want on here without eyes on me. So here I am here right now and I have made yet another big life changing choice, I did so with God though as I have found over the last few years is the only way to go at things seeking his will and wisdom is the only way to make the right choices in this life. So I'm sitting here typing this weighing probably around 320 pounds give or take a pound or two with a BMI of 51.6 bigger than I have ever been lucky that I don't have any major health issues. I have always remembered the recommendation of the Endocrinologist in England and I have played around with the idea of having gastric bypass surgery but honestly I'm going to put it to you like this I did not trust myself enough to do it, I didn't trust me to eat like I need to and it scared me honestly. But I have sat here and I have watched a lot of my really good friends go through this and I have watched it change their lives for the better. I have also reached a place in my life that I feel like I can trust myself to do what I need to do. I have also reached a place in my life I'm more scared of what will happen if I don't lose the weight I need to lose I have children that need a mother to raise them, love them and guide them. I want to be able to hold my grandchildren and love on them too. Frankly if I don't do something now my health will not be good I have been nothing but blessed so far not to have major health issues. Though lately I feel like I am living in a prison I know there is a more outgoing person inside of me but she is stifled by the fat that surrounds her. I am tired of my joints and back hurting. I am sick of my feet hurting when I walk I am tired of being depressed I want to live my life for once I'm almost 39 years old yet I feel like I have done nothing. I would like to enjoy what life I have left and enjoy my family. So that being said I started out on my way to a thiner and happier me! On the 12th of February I attended a seminar in Columbia about the different weight loss surgeries I filled out initial paperwork and I got a call back Friday and will do my intake appt on the 22nd of February at 2:30. Tri Care is awesome no out of pocket expenses but I know because another friend of mine had this and I'll have to do 3 mths of weight management before I can progress towards the surgery, some tests, I have to see a Psychologist, Nutritionist as well. I know a lot of people see this as an easy way out but it's not, this is a tool that will help me break the barrier that I have worked in the past tirelessly to break unsuccessfully! With anything comes risk...staying where I am now in the body I am in now there is a risk of many health issues, life itself is about taking risks and making choices I take and make those with God by my side I consult him and I don't do anything that I don't feel at peace with. This clicked for me the other day and I am at peace with my choice to go with the weightloss surgery, I'm excited to see what the future holds for me after I have the surgery, I'm excited to see what the new Lori will look like and what she will feel like. So there is my very first blog here I will update as I have various appointments, and through out this next stage of my life, I am hoping for love and support and not judgement and nastiness I've had more than enough of that negative stuff in my life already. Oh and just so you know I think I have picked one of the best doctors to do this for me I have read reviews online about him nothing but good words, I have a friend who had the surgery with him and she confirms he is great! I liked the fact that he is strong in his faith in God that he prays before he does each surgery and he said if you want him to he will even pray with you now that speaks volumes about the kind of person he is I think so at least. I'm excited to get this process rolling this coming week! So I'll update some more later! Until then....God Blessings to you and yours!